Blue Balls get their Street Fighting Man!
We know it’s only Rock and Goal, but we like it. And so does the newly signed Blue Ball centre man, Keith Richards.
Richards shattered thousands of hearts of his former club, the Fiji Devils, by making a sudden transfer to the Blue Balls this week.
“I have sympathy for the Devils,” Richards said “But once this opportunity arrived, wild horses couldn’t drag me away! Besides, the Devil’s gameplay was to pass it all down the line.”
The Devils countered The Blue Balls offer, but Richards turned them down, stating that “The Blue Balls told me they will start me up…the middle of the pitch and, well, you can’t always get what you want.”
The Blue Balls will make their next signing in late 2016.
Billy Gould’s Easy Decision Shows Faith in Reds!
It didn’t take long to introduce himself. Faith No More’s Billy Gould strode into today’s press conference confident he could be the difference in the Red Ball defense. Buzzing from either the excitement of the occasion or perhaps from the caffeine consumed on his flight, Gould confirmed he was now a Red for life.
“The call came from out of nowhere, but the decision was easy…easy like Sunday morning”.
Fans who were skeptical that the aging defender may be suffering the ill effects of a midlife crisis quickly had their minds put to rest, with no evidence to prove otherwise.
But was there any ill feeling between Gould and his former club which was known for it’s inconsistency. “It’s not falling to pieces and it’s not like everything’s ruined, but joining the Reds would suggest that everything has turned out sunny side up!”.
The Red Balls will announce their next signing in August 2016.
Whole lotta love for legendary defender!
The day was officially labelled “Celebration Day” as the management at The Blue Balls were able to secure the brutal defensive abilities of John Bonham.
Many attackers have been trampled under foot, with Bohnam’s sheer strength and reputation seeing many dash over the hills and far away.
When asked if he thought there could potentially be a more attacking role for him at his new club, Bohman replied “Would d’yer maker striker out of this body? I don’t think so. It’s been a long time since I kicked a goal, so no, !”
Some members of the media raised the concern that he had been overlooked for both teams. “Not my concern” he stated “I don’t want to ramble on, I just want to say ‘Thank you’.
The Blue Balls will announce their next signing in June 2016
Nirvana for Red Balls as Krist Novoselic signs in defence.
It was a deal that was done swiftly and decisively, as March’s guest, Greg Warns from Uncle Sugar, made a call to secure the defensive services of Nirvana’s Kirst Novolslic.
The lanky bass player/defender was on a plain home from a recent international friendly when he got the call asking for him to change course and head straight to team headquarters. Novoslic reportedly hesitated, stating he was looking quite disheveled from his previous match.
“Yeah, he simply said ‘Come as you are’.” Novoselic stated at his unveiling yesterday “I’m not that dumb, so I just said ‘You know, you’re right!”
Novoselic is renowned for his defensive abilities and has been very outspoken against forwards who play act inside the attacking area. “I know they’ve been told to dive, dive, dive. I hate that they milk it. It makes me go very ape!”
Novoselic’s defensive prowess will be an asset to the team and he is reportedly thrilled to be reuniting with his former teammate, Dave Grohl.
The Red Balls will announce their next signing in May 2016
Blue Balls send Reds a Warning by Signing Billy Joe Armstrong!
Blue Ball management were apparently elated with Dead Poet Society’s signing of central midfielder/rhythm guitarist, Billy Joe Armstrong. The Green Day front man, known for pushing the boundary of sportsmanship, has been seen as a somewhat risky move, but this was of no concern to those in charge.
“He’s no idiot, no basket case,” remarked one senior coach. “He’s a quality player, fast, edgy and adopts a long view of the game”.
Armstrong was also quick to dismiss those ready to write him off as a freeloader and trouble maker.
“Those that think I’ll be hitching a ride off of my teammates during a game are a minority and either way, they are stuck with me. While I hope to have the time of my life, this ain’t no holiday for me either! I’m here to win”
The Blue Balls will announce their next signing early in 2016.
Smith to shoot canni-balls for the Reds!
Last month saw the Blue Balls sign the first striker in the Rock n’ Goal competition, but Red Balls talent scouts, Little Red Lung, reacted quickly by signing the scrappy striker, Patti Smith, to boost their attacking stocks.
Smith had long wanted to be a Rock n’ Goal star and stated that it was a privilege to join the prestigious club.
“We saw her dancing barefoot when she signed the papers,” stated one teammate, “and she did so first thing in the morning, because the night may have been too late.”
Smith will be a great asset to the squad and her aggressive and no frills approach will see her pumping the ball into the back of the net more often than not.
The Red Balls will announce their next signing early in 2016.
Soul Striker Signs for Blue Balls!
The first striker has been scouted and signed with this month’s guest, The Blue Balls, securing the services of Soul legend, Otis Redding.
The first striker for either team, Redding is a towering figure who will clearly demand respect. His ability to calmly slice his way through the defence of the opposition was not lost on his manager.
“Some strikers are all about power. Others like to try a little tenderness – and this is where Otis shines. I have stax of respect for the man.”
The icy cool striker was reticent to leave his home in Georgia – but Redding was quick to sign, stating “there was no point sitting till the evening [of his career] comes.”
The Blue Balls will announce their next signing in February 2016.
Melvins drummer to beat the Blue Ball Maggots!
The Red Balls have signed their first drummer/defender, securing the signature of Dale Crover from The Melvins.
The hard hitting, slightly obscure defender declared at his unveiling that he detests the Blue Balls.
“I may come across as a bit of a prick when I say this, but the Blue Ball players are nothing but crybabys and bootlickers!”.
While Crover has been commended on his aggression both on and off the field, his new teammates have also lauded his ability to ease the pressure during intense training sessions.
“We came out for a night practice and there he was, nude with boots…and not on his feet either.” remarked one teammate.
His selection into the team, coordinated by November’s guest John Wilkes Booth, is seen as a master stroke given that he has played in a team featuring fellow defender turned midfielder, Dave Grohl. Many are hoping the chemistry between the two can create a nirvana like state that will see them produce magic football that even Houdini would be proud of.
The Red Balls will announce their next signing in January 2016.
Doc to treat strikers with superb balls!
The Blue Balls have continued to favour precision over showmanship with Dan’s BandCampaign guest, Shayfer James, selecting the no fuss, finger picking guitarist Doc Watson to fill a position on the wing.
Initial concerns over Watson’s ability to play, given that he is blind, was quickly put to rest when his team mates saw what he could do during a midnight training session. His transition from bluegrass to green grass appeared seamless.
“His ability to find deep gaps and perform look away passes is second to none.” remarked one teammate, who also commented on the respectful relationship the guitarist shared with officials. “He seems to really get along well with the referees! It’s like they are kindred spirits.”
Blind ambition and a knack for pickin’ gaps in the opposing defence may result in some glorious memories for the Blue Balls, who will announce their next selection in December 2015.
Balls on Parade as Morello signs for Reds!
The Red Balls have bolstered their already illustrious midfield this month by signing the ramp-raging on baller, Tom Morello.
The aggressive, flashy midfielder/rhythm guitarist brings with him the ability to rack up a fistful of steals and has a bullet of a header. Known to run around the field with his shoe laces untied and dangling everywhere, Morello’s anti-establishment tendencies were not a concern for the Red management when this month’s guest Sophie’s Earthquake secured the signing.
“I’m ready to do whatever it takes,” remarked Morello. “I may be known for my aggression but my defensive work is just as strong. It’s vital to know your enemy, take the power back when necessary and during free kicks, you’ll see me in the wall within a breath.”
The Red Balls will announce their next signing in November 2015.